Give up

I'm to the point now that, i just want to give up.
i just want to say, forget it all.
forget it all........
school, work, relationships.
thats the cycle of my life.
i feel like everything is falling apart, slowly as the time goes by.

i feel i have, the church. and i don't even know what to believe when im there.
don't get me wrong, i believe in god, but which story out of the 1,0000's are true. :(

i feel like he can bring me up, but only when he is around, becaus when he isn't with me.......he isn't mine.

i feel i'm never going to graduate, because of a subject they call math....... :p

i feel i'm never goin to be satisfied at my job, and that i'll never get out of there.

i feel as though im all alone on this journey sometimes, this journey that makes no sense, that has a million questions, and no answer's this journey to want to know love but can't seem to meet it.

i feel this journey called life, is only making fun of me sometimes, and kicking me in the ass for stupidity. i think it's about tme to just ........give up.........................

stronger than - gabe bondoc (thinkin bout sos)

Is it my fault I can't speak
Or that my body becomes weak
Or that I can hardly breathe
At the very thought of you

Nothin' ever really got to me
I could always turn the other cheek
Could it be those days are gone?
I could've sworn that I was strong

Or at least stronger than these emotions
That are takin' over me
I swear I'm stronger than these emotions
But they're takin' over me


No no no, this can't be it
The less you are the less she is
No no no, I can usually handle this
Wasn't ready for these


Wasn't ready for these emotions
That are takin' over me
I swear I'm stronger than these emotions
But they're takin' over me


You're the silence in a roaring crowd
You're the equivalent of a fluffy cloud
A genie in a bottle
Make a wish the wish the wishes will never end, never end
You're the platinum in my treasure chest
You're the answer I never woulda guessed
In my love life test
And I don't mind at all, I don't mind at all


Well these emotions
That are takin' over me
I swear that I'm stronger than these emotions
But they're takin' over me


Ooooh
La la la la da da da la la
La la la la
Yeahh

It all works out in the end

So, people look me and ofcourse automatically think i don't know whats its like to have it "bad"..
but truth is i know and remember what it is like to struggle. To watch my mother struggle.
Nah, i'm not from the streets but from someones living room floor.
My mom was single with me for the 1st 4 years of my life, i remeber the good times, but i can see my moms tears, at the same time.
We had it "bad" at a point, moms had no money and we were living in and out of this womens living room.
y?
because, love bailed out on my mom for 3 years, the man that birthed me was too in love with himself to care for anyone else, and the man my mom was in love with left to sing with his band. 
but, i now call him dad. He came back for us and everything started to look bright for us. my mom had the love of her life, i had my mom and a father. we moved into an apartment, it was icky looking, but it was a place to call home,  i rember hearing my mom complain about the bugs and leaks. haha we didnt ive there long, we moved in with my aunt and her 1st husband.
around the same time i got my cat louie. still have him til this day, he my buddah boy :)

around age 7 we moved into this little house, i remeber alot in that house. so much thats a book itself, good times and .....bad :/ 

around age 13 i started to test my limits, and was exposed to things i should've never known or done. i regret dearly but at the same time glad, because then i wouldnt be where i am now, or know the people i know now.

i am thankful for this life that i have been blessed with, i wouldnt want it any other  way.


i love everyone that is apart of it to :)

Ok

So i'm starting to feel like a game board.
like my emotions are being toyed with, im told that we should be,
but how can we if he is in love with another, maybe not in love. but def. whipped :/ , its all talk but no action, i want to be with em but im feelin like he def. isn't feeling the same. but i can only sit, wait, and wish for so long ha i guess it's just starting to hurt because im strating to fall for em. fall hard, and the way its lookin  my landing is'nt goin to be smooth

Siting, waiting, wishing - jack johnson

I LOVE THIS SONG, IT IS OLD BUT A GOOD ONE.
I CAN RELATE TO THIS SONG

Grandmother

I'm posting this in memory of

Pamala anna kubista, my grandmother that i never had the pleasure of meeting

because, she suffered from breast cancer.
she pasted a year before and on the same day of my birth.1991 june3rd

i just want people to know cancer is a serious diesease it takes loved ones from people everyday.
 Help save hearts from aching. Help find the cure!


R.I.P grandma pam.

forevea in my heart. <3

Sit back and take life in

I'm just going to go in and say,
i've been a emotional mess at lately.
i've cried so much, that i almost feel rejuvanated haha
life is full of heart ach, pain, and unbareable moments.
but in the end, u learn to apprecitate the worse moments.
people come and they go
some will forever be apart of your life, and for others not so much.
i hate that people change, and that they walk out of your life.
But, that just leaves room for someone new to come in :)
i've meet some amazing people in my 17-18 years of life.
and i've also lost some amazing people.
"it is what it is, just be glad it is".

sit back and take it all in

Today

Today, i was on my way to the doctors, and as i sat in the passenger side.

i watched the trees, the road, the birds, the cars, pass by.

We came to a red light and i spotted a couple, in a parking lot, ingaged in a kiss.

it seemed as though they where i guess you could say stuck in time.

it looked like they were in a forever love.

The girl had pulled back aftter a moment or two had passed, and she smiled at him and
he at her.
My eyes filled with tears of happiness for them and a slight smile as the light turned green.


Then i noticed that there was one imparticluar person who came to mind, and i started to hear my heart in my head, beating, slowly, loudly, and starting to skip.


I shook my head,  looked up at the scattered clouds and then closed my eyes.
in hopes that it would all just fade away..............Today

Lonsome

Day by day i've been starting to feel more and more lonely.
why?
i don't know

i wish i did because this is a horrible feeling, feels like even though all these people are here, they're not really even here :/

Confidence

I want to start painting again...
but i just don't have an inspiration.
I feel like my drawing and paintings are
bullshit sometimes.
and i really love to creat and draw, paint what's on my mind, but
im scared of self failure

Ha i had painting class and pulled out b'c i felt i was'nt as good
as the other students. I felt like a joke.

I saw a physic a while back and he wanted to read me for free.
He had told me that i would have two carreers, but i would have great struggle
beacuse i simply don't have confidence.
And that it would be a long time til i finally gained it.
i look in the mirror and i see a decent looking girl, how has fawls but is ok with it.
i sign languge, draw, paint, design, sing, dance,
and i feel as though ..............................i will never be anything.
like, im not good enough.

But im going to try to start new, and show myself that everything i do is perfect, the way it is.

Life & Love

I don't think anyone truely understands what i mean when i ask
the questions i do about life and love

my mind is full of questions, of "WHY"
why would you live to go throught heart ach and pain, to get sick
to be happy and sad, fall in love or be lonely, then die.....
why?

why do i feel like my purpose is to make sure everyone else is happy.
it this funny feeling i have inside, it is very complicated to explain.

It's like something in my heart that tells me my hurt will pass but make sure, blahzablah is ok.
i hate this feeling because i want to have something go right for me, it sounds selfish but it's ...like i said complicated .

I fear that i will live this life and never find a love, and ill die alone.
But somethign in me say's that my friends and those i love will live a life in love.
& strangly ......that is ok.

Life is full of unhappiness for all, some i believe are put on this earth to suffer, to spare other. i wish this life everyone was in love, and happy

i believe that "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return "- moulin rouge.
my favorite quote, has been for years thats the qoute i will live my life off of. even thought i may never fall in love i wil share my love with everyone, and watch them be loved in return.

Pretty much

So pretty much my life has been a rocky mountian lately

school is hard and almost unmanagable like always.

Ive never been good at school, and each year only gets worse.
I hate my job with a passion, i couldn't hate a place anymore then mcdonalds.

Mom and sister have suffered from the flu,
surpisingly i havent yet.

Im single still, i have feelings for a guy that is taken, hmmp my luck.

I think of him daily and don't understand why i can't leave him alone.

I sometimes feel like i'm here for him when his girl is'nt, kinda like a sideline, ha lucky me. I mean...i don't kno im not going anywhere i plan to be here for him as a friend and whatever else, i guess.

My friends have been trying to hook me up with guy after guy and i really just don't care for any of them, non of them leave an impression.

My friends get highly upset because i'm so picky, and when i do like a guy it seems they play my emotions.
i've always been a softy.

I guess my biggest road block right now is this guy and my feelings.

I've also been having these exteremly strange dreams.

everynight, they are almost unexplainable. I think i need a phsyic haha

Smile

& the truth came out, now my heart has shut down.
allmy thoughts, kisses, hugs, laughs....for what?
Yeah, don't catch feelings, it's to late for that.
Don't trust him, i can't help but do that.
Your heart is fragile, yeah i kno that

He told me what i should've known.
A secret he could no longer condome.
My heart is aching, & even with the pain......
i can't be mad at him this way.
Genuine guy with funny pick up lines.
Style and an open mind.
All i can do is smile all the time
& hope that one day he'll be mines
even though she is your girl,
i guess i'll be fine

old skool

When im sad, i turn on luther vandross

when i feel like singing to the top of my lungs i turn on my r&b mix tapes

When i feel like life is almost unbareable, i trun on love songs

When im about to clean the house with my mom i turn on atomic funk.

people think im in love, weird, or a softy

the truth is i just have an old soul.

& Ima southern kinda girl, who simply just loves oldies :)

DREAM - this is something i wrote years ago

His skin so soft, with a light brown tone.
Perfectly proportioned here and there.
A dream he may seem, but so real
he catches everyones attention and put's my mind into another deminsion.
When he looks my way
with his hazel eyes.
A dream he may seem, and maybe not so real.
Confusing and heart breaking, he leaves me cold.
a kiss of lust and a smile so fake.
He gives my heart hope, then takes it away again.
A dream he may have been.
because there is now no trace of him
memories blurry, this is insane
He was a dream, a real life dream
but a nightmare he turned out to be for me.

-brianna marie fowler